Entry numbers 7 through 13 are new. Check them out!
1.) Mr. Goodwrench
This guy just tools you. Not for any negative reason, but just because he knows his stuff. If you go hard, he taps you for being over-aggressive, if you go light he taps you for not pressuring and thus giving up position. If you are in between he just controls you and sweeps or reverses you at will. When you look at him in disbelief he just looks at you like “What… did time run out?”
2.) The Pretzel
Every move you’ve ever practiced becomes difficult because this guy can get into positions that would make a pretzel cringe.
3.) The “just got back from Rio” Guy
This guy is good, and since he just spent 6 months training his butt off in Rio he is super smooth. But he wants to make his home school into the place he trained in Rio. He shakes hands with everyone in the room before sitting down to stretch asking “tudo bem?” He answer’s his cell phone “fala”. He speaks in portuguese with the instructor when he talks about how to beat someone without wanting them to know it. He counts in Portuguese. If you want to get on his good side and get him to show you something cool he learned down south, just ask him about his time in Rio, he will be more than happy to tell you about it. Everyone who goes to Brasil is guilty of this when they get back…
4.) Pre -Excuse Guy
This guy has to tell you of every ailment, injury, pain, he has in his body, to not allow you to attack those areas. “Oh dude, my (insert body part) been hurting, so no (insert submission) today” Sometimes this guy goes into pre excuse emotional problems he has, and how it will affect his training. If he’s been really bad on the mat lately, it’s because he broke up with his girl, and he’ll let you know about it, so you understand why he stinks.
5.) The Laugher
This guy rolls with you and is constantly laughing at everything to make the roll so friendly that you won’t push any competition against him, or hurt him in anyway. You’re rolling and get by the wall, “Hahahaha…. dude we’re way too close to the wall, I didn’t want us to go through the wall….hahahaha…could u imagine, kaplosh!! Then we went through the wall and everyone would look and be like OH CRAP THEY WENT THROUGH THE WALL..Hahahaha”
6.) The “Professor”
Rolls around like any other guy and can have any skill-level but when you finally get his back and struggle to choke them out, he goes “Wait, you’ve got wrong mechanics…”, “Wait you gotta do like this..”, “More like that”, etc. He lets you understand that he didn’t get caught and he’s not about to get the crap choked out of him, in fact he’s just in the process of showing you how to choke.
7.) The “Gotta Go” Guy
This guy always “has to go somewhere” at the exact moment when class shifts from technique/drills to rolling. “Yeah, I got a conference call in two hours…”
8.) The “Good Move” Guy
He’s similar to the instructor, in that he can’t accept tapping. So if you are transitioning to a triangle choke, and he’s kind of sunk, but before you fully finish the hold, he’ll tap and give it to you. This guy always taps on the transition to a move, not the move itself, and says “Good Move ” like he let you catch him….and considering he didn’t tap when you completely had the choke sunk in, you didn’t really beat him.
9.) The “Let’s Go Light” Guy
This guy always asks, “Let’s go light” as he touches hands to start a roll, and then proceeds to decapitate you and tear you limb from limb with neck cranks and head squeezes.
10.) The Gasser
This guy goes all out for the first 30 seconds, blows everything he’s got and then taps when u get a dominant position.
11.) The “This is my first lesson” Guy
Which translates to “this is my first lesson here”, but I was an NCAA division 1 wrestling champ and trained in Brazil for a few years.
12.) The Shadow Boxer
This is the guy who has some striking martial art experience (usually a Traditional Martial Artist (TMA) who can’t accept the fact that his black belt is being rendered useless by these 150-lb. grapplers who tap him relentlessly) and decides to feign it in BJJ class. While rolling, will throw fake shots, to simulate a Vale Tudo match. Convinced that a punch will change the pace of the match from anywhere, in the clinch, from his guard, while mounted by someone much better. Usually, this specimen’s actions can be halted with a quick leg grab/take down while he is throwing a knee from the clinch.
13.) The One Move Wonder’ Guy
This is the guy who manages to get really good at one position/submission and only goes for that one particular move. While somewhat impressive in the beginning, this is the eternal blue belt that dominates the beginners but never develops the rest of his game. Normally seen with a bronze or silver medal at the local tourneys.
14.) The “Just wanted to let you know I’ll be back Tuesday” Guy
This is the guy who you never ever see but calls you or e-mails you every month to tell you he’ll be there “Tuesday”.
15.) The Bleeder
This guy got a mat burn the first time he rolled and has been knocking off the scab every time since.
16.)The Overly Humble Guy
This dude is a really good bjj guy but he’s humble, and scared as hell . This guy will tap you at times, then immediately talk about how he sucks, and you’re so much better and it was pure luck….to get over that initial awkward feeling between you two, when you just tapped to him.
17.)The Lazy Possum
This guy has some skills but he fights really lazy and defensively most of the time and you think you have his number. But on occasion when there’s an audience or some chick watching he decides to bring his A game and you’re in a world of surprise, the guy suddenly becomes Marcelo Garcia on the mats.
18.)All Knees and Elbows Guy
A squirmy, usually explosive athlete, you dominate this guy, but you feel like someone put you in a sack full of knees and elbows and started to shake it violently. After rolling, you are bruised up, if not cut.
19.)The Judoka Guy
Similar to the “name that sub” guy, but this one names the sub in Japanese “yeap, that’s juji-gatame” and every time the instructor shows a technique he nods his head and names it in Japanese.
20.)The “Heel Hook Hero” Guy
This guy has no idea how to pass the guard and he doesn’t want to learn. All he wants is to fall back and do his best Ken Shamrock impression. When he meets someone who won’t fall for it he convinces himself that he can beat the guy if he just trains a few more leg locks.
This is usually a young guy who comes into the gym and at first gets beat all over the mat, but slowly and surely every week, he gets better. After one week, you can no longer have your way with him. After two, you can only catch him with your best moves. After three, you are struggling to tap him. One month passes and you are tapping each other. Another month and the roles reverse. This is the natural. He will soon tap people you’ve never even gotten close to.
22.)The False Technician
Every class this guy’s going up to somebody wanting to show them a ‘new move’ that he’s invented. If he considers you ‘technical’ enough he will let you drill his patented omoplata to triangle to armlock to kneebar to toehold combo with him. The major problem with this guy is that he can’t pull any of these moves off on anybody save for the newest guy. The false technician gets owned by almost everybody else and burns with hate for those who school him on the mat with a simpler but more solid game.
23.)The Lurker Guy
This is the guy who will sit on the wall and watch you train for an hour with every upper belt in the class saving his energy. Then you lie on the mat exhausted, will come up to say “wanna train?” but will never train w/ you when you are fresh.
24.)Sweat Dripper Guy
Some guy, usually late 30′s, early 40′s, that sweats buckets that DRIP on your face when he’s in your guard. You pretty much have to tap as his sweat pours into your eyes, mouth, etc.
Never does the takedowns the BJJ instructor shows because they are inferior, and even when you are drilling that move shows you the “real” way to do it. Always stands up in your guard and you always have long grueling matches with him but he never taps you out. However, your neck is always sore for the next two days because he has such good head control.
26.)The ‘Can I Try Something On You?’ Guy
While rolling, this guy (who has never tapped you, and will never tap you) says something along the lines of “Hey, can I try something on you real quick? I just want to work out the mechanics on something…” He puts you in his rear mount, sinks the hooks in, and violently puts you in a choke at the exact moment the instructor walks by, you tap, and the instructor says to the guy “Very good! You’re showing much improvement!” and looks at you with a mild look of disbelief on his face.
27.)The BackFromGym Guy
Seems to only come to class on days he has worked out at the gym. Lets you know that he is tired and weak from his work out. Makes sure you know exactly how much he benched that day.